Mohawk Madness.

Has anybody else noticed the stunning increase in Mohawks amongst our footballers? Almost every team has at least one poser with the not-since-Beckham-did-it-in 2000-has-it-been-popular hairstyle.

And you know where they’ve got this from? Glee, that’s where. Footballers all over the country have been sat at home watching the High School Musical spin off and have had the original thought; that fella looks pretty darned good with a mohawk. The next day they pop down the hairdresser and BOOM, they have themselves what they believe to be a landmark haircut. Then they notice three of their team-mates and one of the Youth Team kids have got it as well and they grow it out. It’s a mine field out there for our poor footballers.

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Handshakes More Interesting Than Football

It’s true. Our friends at Goal.com report;

John Terry reached a milestone this afternoon. The Chelsea captain secured his 300th Premier League appearance against Manchester City at Stamford Bridge, yet neither on an individual nor a team level was the end result a reason for cheer.

An erring display followed the drama of Wayne Bridge purposefully ignoring Terry’s offer of a handshake pre-game – with the world watching, no less – and the Blues were unable to increase their lead at the top of the league thanks entirely to an inspired 4-2 win for City at Stamford Bridge.

I think we should just do the handshake and then everyone can go home. Why even bother with the football bit? How we work out which team won is a little more complicated. Maybe the first player to pull out of the handshakes and put his thumb to his nose and waggle his fingers wins. A bit like rock. paper, scissors but with hands. I should have thought this through a little more but it’s a solid idea.

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UPDATE! Hulk Name Trend on the Rampage!

Cacau. A big fan of confectionary.

I am almost literally speechless. I warned you all that this would happen and it’s only gone and happened; VFB Stuttgart striker Cacau is called Cacau – not because it’s his name in any way but because… wait for it… he likes chocolate. He is, unsuprisingly, Brazilian and his real name is actually Claudemir Jeronimo Barretto.

These imbeciles have to be stopped. By any means possible. I mean; A love of chocolate? Come on! Wayne Rooney would have to have Pie on the back of his shirt. John Terry would have My Mates Missus and Ronaldo, well Ronaldo would be able to keep his own name back there because he loves nothing more. 

I realise that for some of these Brazilians their names are almost unpronouncable – and there are usually nineteen of them – so they change it to something easier, but Barretto isn’t so bad. It’s certainly no tongue-twister. All commentators should insist on using footballer’s given names. Especially Shay Given.

I am making a stand and ask all other CheekyOneTwo readers to do the same. This must stop and the next footballer who decides to advertise his love of food on the back of his shirt is for the high jump. Or we’ll force them to play for Portsmouth as punishment. One or the other.

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Hulk? Seriously?

The Silver Surfer

Whilst watching Arsenal in the Champions League last night I noticed that FC Porto Midfielder Hulk is called Hulk. Yeah, I know. Wikipedia kindly explains;

Givanildo Vieira de Souza (born 25 July 1986 in Campina Grande), commonly known as Hulk, is an international Brazilian footballer who currently plays as a striker for Portuguese Liga champions, Porto.

As his nickname suggests, Hulk’s strength and stocky build are considered his foremost attributes, along with speed, acceleration, and a powerful shot. He received the nickname “Hulk” due to his resemblance to actor Lou Ferrigno, who played the comic book hero. In an interview to a newspaper, he further said that his favorite comic book character as a child was Hulk, hence the nickname given by his mother at a young age.

Now, this is all deeply concerning. I see the start of a hugely slippery slope. If you can just pick a nickname and slap it on the back of your shirt then where are we going to end up? It’s not like footballers are the most intellectual of individuals. We’re dealing with morons here and the possibilities are frightening.

Jimmy Carr once told me he had a friend whose nick-name was Shagger. Jimmy thought that was pretty cool but apparently she didn’t like it. It just goes to prove my point, namely that people cannot go round making up whatever names they want and slapping it on the back of their shirts. It’ll go the same way as silly boot colours have gone. Oneupmanship. We’ll end up with ‘Big Man’, ‘Smithy’, ‘The Chief’ and ‘Tripod’ all representing England. It just isn’t cricket. And knowing these dumb-asses it’s only a matter of time before someone puts ‘Kick Me’ on the back of their shirt.

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