Here is an advert for the new Emile Heskey International Soccer 2012 video game. And it looks AWESOME. He is a man of incomparable skill, speed and ruthlessness in front of goal. I feel all girly just thinking about it. And for all you haters out there, hate the game not the player, ok? Get your joypad and get stuck in!

Xavi, Ronaldo and Iniesta can go swivel because Mario Balotelli has been announced the second best player in the world behind Lionel Messi, obviously. The fact this was announced by Mario Balotelli is neither here nor there, it is a FACT. He told Tuttosport;

“I will always give everything because I want to become the best. That is my aim and I am determined to make it happen.

“I am really happy to have won the Golden Boy 2010, but who else should have won it if not me? Two years ago I finished sixth and in 2009 in fourth. Now it is my turn.

“Now my objective is to win the Ballon d’Or without age limits. To win the ‘Golden Boy’ (award) is a good omen to win the main prize. I am now a candidate for that.

“There is only one player who is a little stronger than me – Messi. All the others are behind me.”

That’s what I love about this fella; his modesty. And his hard work. What was the quote? “I will always give everything”. Too true, he’s one of life’s real grafters. What he may lack in natural skill he more than makes up for with tenacity and enthusiasm. And the Golden Boy award doesn’t sound gay in the slightest. And who doesn’t love a number two? I know I do!

According to his Wikipedia page Michael Gray is “sometimes known as Micky Gray and is an English former footballer who mostly played at left back, or left wing.” While all this may very well be true they fail to note the fact he’s the kind of man you wouldn’t trust to sit the right way round on a toilet.

Gray was ‘summarising’ on the Leeds game on 5Live Sports Extra at the weekend. If by ‘summarising’ you mean ‘making up your own language’. It was unstoppable idiocy. I just wish i’d started writing down examples before the fiftieth minute. I missed more than half of the stupid remarks. Not even counting half time. Anyway here as some of the choicest fillets what I wrote down;

“I don’t know what the manager said at half time but he said get it out to the wingers.”

“I’ll be looking forward to this game right till the end of it.”

“It coulda went sky high.”

“I thought they’ve been first class.”

“Lloyd Sam’s came on now”

“When they get the ball they’re getting their head up and there seeing there’s a shot on.”

“You can walk with your shoulders proud.”

“The quality’s always came from leeds.”

“They need an important Christmas period.”

I wrote plenty more down but I don’t want to overdo it. Unlike Mikey. I particularly like his use of tenses. He doesn’t play by the rules. You give him the rule book and he throws it out of the window. Or as he’d say; “Michael Gray just throwed the books oot the winda “. Bless.

A thoroughly educational video on How to Dive. The majority of players in the glorious Premiership don’t need any hints and tips on this of course but it’s always nice to see. No mention of my good friends Balotelli or Nani  but what ya gonna do?

Whilst summarizing – and i use the word loosely – on todays Crystal Palace v QPR game Rufus Brevett used the phrase “That’s Right” twenty times. I was counting. To say this rankled with me a little would be an overstatement. Get a Thesaurus Rufus!

“That’s correct”, “Affirmative”, “I couldn’t agree more”, “I was just about to say the self same thing!”, “You took the words right out of my mouth”, “Spot on” etc, etc, etc.

Has anybody else noticed the stunning increase in Mohawks amongst our footballers? Almost every team has at least one poser with the not-since-Beckham-did-it-in 2000-has-it-been-popular hairstyle.

And you know where they’ve got this from? Glee, that’s where. Footballers all over the country have been sat at home watching the High School Musical spin off and have had the original thought; that fella looks pretty darned good with a mohawk. The next day they pop down the hairdresser and BOOM, they have themselves what they believe to be a landmark haircut. Then they notice three of their team-mates and one of the Youth Team kids have got it as well and they grow it out. It’s a mine field out there for our poor footballers.

The Goalkeeping coach at Wolverhampton Wanderers is called Pat Mountain. Honestly. That is all.

As and adult I have finally excepted that my dream is never going to happen and have settled for the next best thing – 5-a-side! Only problem is I’m still not that good. So far this season we have had some terrible results 18-1, 23-2, 16-4 and 12-1 – I kid you not. Our only points so far have come from the 2 weeks when the other team have failed to show up and we have been credited a 5-0 win (I have claimed all these goals making me the teams top scorer).

Last week however it seemed our fortunes had changed – With 5 minutes left on the clock we were winning 4-3. The final result was still a 5-4 loss but it didn’t matter. For the first time all season we looked as though we had actually played football before – Brilliant! We couldn’t resist going out to celebrate – Just for a laugh though we told Dave it was fancy dress and he turned up as Spiderman – A good night was had by all as you can see from the photo below;